I had two reactions to Beth’s words when she began outlining our final project near the end of the Creative Incubator—one familiar and expected, the other a complete surprise. Her two part phrase began with, “Create something, ladies, either a business or…..”
Before she even got to the next part, I began feeling that familiar discomfort of not being capable of figuring this out—that I just didn’t have enough of “something” to create the next steps of my business idea. In fact, I realized through the weeks of the incubator, that I frequently operate in much of my life with this sense of something lacking—like I just don’t truly have the depth, the substance, the whatever, that is needed to reach a level of sustained happiness. Even upon signing up for the twelve-week incubator, my self-critical voices began their repetitive questions like:
“What if you don’t create a thing by the end of March?”
“What if you do, and you really don’t like it— you just go through the motions and feel empty?”
“What if all you have to say at the end is, I don’t know?”
At that point, it was difficult for me to picture creating an imaginative project surrounding my running business, with a head full of such tentativeness, vague fears and negative chatter.
Beth then finished her phrase by saying, “a life.” She repeated it with a firmness that suggested it was time to take some action. “Create something, ladies, either a business or a life.”
That was the surprising tipping point for me. It felt as though something broke loose, whooshing inside and out. I felt happier, lighter, excited, and energized. I felt my focus shift from a stilted one of creating something to help make a better living, into one of diving in with reckless, joyful abandon to work on ways to make a better life. The voices were even quiet—something stronger, more sure, more heartfelt took over and sent me into another world. This was a world where time stood still, and I felt a sense of being outwardly led. I strolled through Michael’s, choosing paper and shapes of pinks, purples, rainbows, flowers, butterflies and everything feminine. I found myself dwelling in a place of sweetness, hearts and colorful pictures as things began to take shape on paper. It was all happening from a very deep place, a knowing place, a place that felt simultaneously familiar and new. I measured, cut, glued and wrote until I called it complete…and it felt precious in my hands.
Presentation day came and I still felt the euphoria of having had this experience. I paused for a moment before presenting and realized I hadn’t prepared a thing to say, nor had I yet gleaned an ounce of meaning from the process. It was only after using my shaky voice to highlight the points and Maja’s affirmation that some clarity began. She said, “ It’s no wonder you often answered my questions with an I’m not sure…it’s because of the many, many layers of you.” A simple statement, a thrilling realization of something I could not see until holding the results of the process in my hands and another noticing…
I now know that “layers and layers” are not words that would describe a woman without depth, without substance; in fact, they would be words that would define a woman with abundant answers within. And it is because of this creative process that I have now had a glimpse of what it would feel like to operate from a place of more trust, more knowing and more empowering beliefs, for therein lies the flow of creating a better life. And apparently, this life must include plenty of pink flowers, shiny hearts and flowing butterflies!
